How freely given of a choice is it?

by **Admin** Thu Apr 23, 2015 11:12 pm

This is a question that's nagged at me for a long time, and I wondered if others felt the same way? If your upbringing, or experiences with abuse, were a driving factor in your decision to be antisexual, how much of a choice was your decision? Even if you don't have a history of abuse, do you think if your orientation, or whether or not you're repulsed by sex were driving factors?

I was under the belief that being antisexual is supposed to be a freely-given choice, so I've felt regret over the circumstances that were a driving factor behind my decision. No one pushed me to not have sex, but prosexual extremists have tried to push me into it, after I told them that I didn't want to do it. I already knew I didn't want to at all because I was repulsed, nor could I imagine ever consenting, but they just about made me think it was inevitable, because they had so much power over me. They're the same people I mentioned in the "Misconceptions" thread.

In hindsight, I think if it weren't for what happened, I would've rejected sex and turned antisexual eventually, but I would've had more time to think about it, instead of rushing into it to save myself.

by Bobbb1 Fri Apr 24, 2015 9:06 pm

by **Admin** Sat Apr 25, 2015 11:15 pm

Pure Life wrote:The antisexuality is part of my personality. From my own "antisexual view", its like when some people choose to be "pornstars". Being a pornstar is disgusting "job" for many people. If anyone push them to try to be a pornstar, they would say, no, that's disgusting. But when asking the pornstars, they would say they enjoy it, etc..

There is something that is missing in those peoples personality (those that are sexual) something that some of us antisexuals have which other people don't have. And that "thing" is in our personality. Personalities can "die". For example, I remember I watched a documentary about a man who loved to drink beer and watch fotball together with his friends. One day, this man lost his memory, I don't remember why he lost his memory but maybe cuz of trauma (not sure). anyways, when he lost his memory, he become another person, he didn't love fotball anymore, he could not understand that he once had loved fotball. I have seen other similar documentaries about people who lost their memories and they got new personalities, they like things they didn't like before. and some who used to be happy become angry or bitter after they had lost their memory and vice versa..

I don't know what type of abuse you mean, but some people might become antisexual due to sexual abuse. and in that case it's something mental, because if they were not sexually abused, they probably would choose to have a sexual relationship. But as for me, I'm antisexual because it's part of my personality, something I DON'T want to loose. If there is anything I like about myself, that would be that i'm antisexual and vegan. this can actually also be compared to when vegans choose to not eat animals, and when other people push them to eat it, same thing! So yea.. being a antisexual (and vegan) is part of my personality. maybe this didn't answer your question? lol anyways this was at least my view of my antisexualism. Will be interesting to read from others too ^.^

By the way, I have watched videos by people who suffer from "multiple personality disorder" I watched someone who said that she was asexual but that one of her other personality was very sexual...

Edit: I want to explain little bit more, cuz maybe some people don't understand anything at all from what I wrote here above. What I'm trying to say is that, since my antisexuality is part of my personality/character then this is my choice 100% cuz I would not do something which is not from the person I am. and a personality is not something that is to be taken for granted. It's very scary to know that one can change as a person.. so as long as I am the person I am now, I would NEVER choose a sexual life. I rather get killed by a murder than choosing a sexual life, since all sex (from my view) is rape and oppression. I'm not a sexual person at all, I don't even want to live in a body with private part :s

I was about to say this until I noticed your edit, but you make a good point that if it's part of your personality, you still could've made the choice to do actions that go against it. It would've been detrimental to you though.

When asking about the effects of abuse, I meant any kind. Now that you mention it, because of my personality type, I just can't ever imagine sex being a significant priority in my life. Engaging in any kind of sexual intimacy feels fundamentally wrong for me to do, and it feels out of character. It felt like I'd be destroying part of myself in order to please another person.

I felt this way, and knew that I didn't ever want sex before I endured abuse. Those prosexual extremists emotionally abused me, by making me feel worthless, second-guess myself, and feel like I have no choice to say no to sex permanently. I feared that I was just making "excuses" to not have sex. I think one of them actually told me that. One of them wanted sex with me, and I feared I was being selfish for continuing to say no, but still experienced a lot of unwanted intimacy over a prolonged period of time. It wasn't sex, but could've escalated. Even just kissing felt so gross and wrong. Our other friends who knew of this situation were enablers.

My boundaries got trampled over, and my first kiss was even forced on me. I thought I turned antisexual (by which I mean I declared to myself, and to them a deliberate, ideological rejection of sex) to uphold the last boundaries I had left, and keep ownership of my body, when it was being taken away by them. I think that saved me from caving in. If I had caved into sex at the time, I would've lost everything. I felt like I really had to fight for my right to not have sex.

by Bobbb1 Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:53 pm

by **Admin** Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:39 am

Sorry to hear that your other chat friends left you when they found their partners. It's awful that so many friends are treated that way, tossed aside when someone finds their partner, because romantic relationships are assumed to be more valuable than friendships. I hate how friendships are seen as merely a placeholder until someone finds a partner, then all the times they had together as friends were for nothing.

Ironically, some people complain about having partners, but losing their friends. Sometimes it's because the obligations of relationships mean less time to see friends, but some of those people lost their friends for tossing them aside, and are only just now seeing that was a bad idea.

There are people who want to be antisexual, but don't know that's an option, so they're in sexual relationships they don't want. They're suffering because they feel like they have no options, and they're among the people I especially want to reach out to.

Many people in the asexual community, especially older asexuals, have experienced the same kind of thing before they knew that asexuality was real. Many thought they were "broken", and tried to "fix" themselves for their partners, though in the case of those who might be antisexual, some of them aren't asexual, but may still struggle with feeling "broken", and that they have to overcome how they feel about sex for their partner's sake. There's nearly nothing in the way of helping out non-asexuals in this kind of situation, that address how the mind and body could be against each other.

That's another important point this community needs to make: We took different paths to the same conclusion, that we include those who never had sex, as well as those who gave it up at later points in life.

by Bobbb1 Mon Apr 27, 2015 11:38 am

by Biscotti Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:35 pm

If you're counting being antisexual as being a child at sexuality, it's more like you're a critic at something that really is terrible.

Also I wouldn't overuse the term "rape".

Pure Life wrote:"There is something that is missing in those peoples personality (those that are sexual) something that some of us antisexuals have which other people don't have. And that "thing" is in our personality. Personalities can "die". For example, I remember I watched a documentary about a man who loved to drink beer and watch fotball together with his friends. One day, this man lost his memory, I don't remember why he lost his memory but maybe cuz of trauma (not sure). anyways, when he lost his memory, he become another person, he didn't love fotball anymore, he could not understand that he once had loved fotball. I have seen other similar documentaries about people who lost their memories and they got new personalities, they like things they didn't like before. and some who used to be happy become angry or bitter after they had lost their memory and vice versa.."

That's very interesting, maybe there's something you could theoritically do to prepare yourself for such an accident, like earthquake preparation.
What if you trained yourself to consistently and without question follow any orders marked with a code-word that you and only you knew about and used. Then if you lost your memory and saw old notes from yourself you'd follow them. Self-MKULTRA.

by **Admin** Mon Apr 27, 2015 6:07 pm

Biscotti wrote:If you're counting being antisexual as being a child at sexuality, it's more like you're a critic at something that really is terrible.

Also I wouldn't overuse the term "rape".

Pure Life wrote:"There is something that is missing in those peoples personality (those that are sexual) something that some of us antisexuals have which other people don't have. And that "thing" is in our personality. Personalities can "die". For example, I remember I watched a documentary about a man who loved to drink beer and watch fotball together with his friends. One day, this man lost his memory, I don't remember why he lost his memory but maybe cuz of trauma (not sure). anyways, when he lost his memory, he become another person, he didn't love fotball anymore, he could not understand that he once had loved fotball. I have seen other similar documentaries about people who lost their memories and they got new personalities, they like things they didn't like before. and some who used to be happy become angry or bitter after they had lost their memory and vice versa.."

That's very interesting, maybe there's something you could theoritically do to prepare yourself for such an accident, like earthquake preparation.
What if you trained yourself to consistently and without question follow any orders marked with a code-word that you and only you knew about and used. Then if you lost your memory and saw old notes from yourself you'd follow them. Self-MKULTRA.

Welcome! Feel free to also introduce yourself! Smile

I like the idea of leaving notes that you'd see. It's an extreme scenario, but I don't want for someone to compromise their principles just because they lost their memory.

That brings up an interesting question: If someone was antisexual, but that changed because they lost their memory, and their personality changes, would they be going against their values if they have sex? Would they still be the same person who went against their original values due to factors beyond their control, or would they not be the same person anymore because they lost their personality and self-perception changed beyond recognition?

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