Non-asexual and dealing with unwanted sexuality?

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Non-asexual and dealing with unwanted sexuality?

Post by Admin on Tue Dec 15, 2015 6:12 pm

This is a major topic to be introduced. Being antisexual, but not asexual means dealing with a body working against yourself. Having consciously decided that sex isn't worth it, and rejecting sex for life, and finding liberation in it, but it also means that all sexuality you experience is a burden to you and it feels inescapable. Having a body working against you is the problem, but pro-sex people may try to say that not wanting sex is the problem instead.

Here are a few threads about the topic already:

About "repression": http://iamfortress.forumotion.com/t29-what-is-repression

How to lower libido: http://iamfortress.forumotion.com/t78-non-hormonal-methods-of-lowering-libido

This thread is about how to lower libido without using hormonal treatments; a challenging topic since there is a lot of conflicting information on what methods work or don't.

http://iamfortress.forumotion.com/t88-sexual-identity

This thread discusses the topic of "ego-dystonic sexuality", dis-identifying with one's sexual orientation, because it feels irrelevant. Could this be a helpful concept to incorporate, or does it risk feeding into the idea of not wanting sex being pathologized? Asexuality itself is still often pathologized, and in ways that are similar, but it shouldn't be assumed that just because someone is understanding and accepting of asexuality, that they'll understand and accept how a non-asexual person could never want sex.

I also wrote a post about this issue on the main page, detailing the scarcity of information that is available for us, and the importance of us coming together to rebuild, and build upon that information. I've seen quite a few people lately on AVEN ask how they can become asexual. Those members don't stay very long, and may leave feeling disappointed, but I hope they find this site, and can share their experiences, so we can work towards a solution on how they can deal with unwanted sexuality.

https://fortressresistingsexualsociety.wordpress.com/2015/12/13/how-to-deal-with-unwanted-sexuality/




For non-asexuals here, how do you describe your experiences?

What have you tried to deal with unwanted sexuality, and what worked? I only have a second-hand understanding of this, but one thing I've heard is the importance of avoiding sexual cues, to reduce the chances of attraction or libido being triggered, but how accurate is that? How difficult is it to avoid sexual cues in your environment?

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Re: Non-asexual and dealing with unwanted sexuality?

Post by Admin on Tue Mar 08, 2016 7:31 pm

I wonder if the process of dealing with unwanted sexuality is like how to deal with intrusive thoughts, or intrusive obsessive thoughts? I saw somethings about dealing with intrusive thoughts, and thought "Is that what feeling sexual attraction is like?"

For antisexual non-asexuals, does experiencing sexual attraction trigger anxiety? If so, is the anxiety over being "sexual" in any way at all, or over the thought of acting on it, particularly the thought of going against your values as an antisexual person?

http://www.drmartinseif.com/resources/intrusive-thoughts.html

The section on "intrusive obsessive thoughts" seems especially relevant; that's the term used in the article, but the comparison doesn't imply being secretly obsessed with sex, not at all. It is emphasized  that the content of obsessive intrusive thoughts are irrelevant to a person's true nature, or what they really want.

The coping process may be similar for how to deal with unwanted sexuality, for the most part: Being aware of those thoughts and desires, but knowing you don't have to act on them, and they don't have power over you, and that your willpower is greater. What may differ is avoiding triggering sexual desire is possible, at least to some extent by avoiding sexualized environments, and it's also possible to lower libido (although the reliability of methods varies, and may also vary depending on the individual).

With intrusive, or intrusive obsessive thoughts, worrying about them more leads to being more preoccupied with them, which gives them more power over oneself. Same goes with sexual attraction or desire.

This psychological phenomenon is popularly called "Don't think of the pink elephant". Here are a couple of pages describing it more generally:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/02/21/is-no-problem-a-problem/
http://www.ronitbaras.com/emotional-intelligence/personal-development/how-to-beat-those-pink-elephants/

That underlying phenomenon is why abstinence-only programs that only tell people to abstain without giving any information on how a non-asexual person can effectively cope or what they can do, backfire so much. How? Being focused on the negative statement "Don't have sex or think about it" can lead to be constantly preoccupied over sexual thoughts, and sexualizing others more than they normally would've, which makes them more likely to happen, and sexual desire ends up having a lot more power over them. Ironically, it comes from trying too hard! They focus too much on what not to do, that it overlooks what the person can do to abstain.

Those articles suggest a different approach, which I think could also help non-asexual antisexuals: Instead of focusing on what not to do, it's better to focus on what you can do. "Don't have sex" doesn't register in the brain as effectively as positive statements with the same intention such as "You can abstain", "You can be happy without sex", "You have the power to not act on it".

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